I’ve lost count of the number of times people (other vaginismus sufferers) have told me not to worry about sex. That sex doesn’t necessarily mean penetration, that there’s lots of other ways you can be intimate with someone. I’ve even heard of some women who don’t WANT to work at overcoming their vaginismus, because they have great, fulfilling sex lives without penetration, and don’t feel the need to fix it. Well that’s all good and dandy for them, but I’m sorry, it just doesn’t work for me. At one point, hearing those words used to make me feel better, but not anymore.
Honestly, how many men am I going to encounter in my life that are going to be OK if I tell them, “by the way, we’re never going to have real sex, I hope that’s OK with you?” I can just see them running for the hills now. Yes, I know that ”real” sex doesn’t have to involve penetration, blah blah blah. But I have a hard time wrapping my head around that. That’s not how society thinks and that’s especially not how men think. Besides, what else am I supposed to think when all I hear about sex is “banging” and “screwing” and “fucking”? You can’t do any of those things without penetration. Unfortunately, that’s just my mind set. I have a hard enough time finding eligible men to begin with. Imagine how much harder it would be if they knew I could never have sex. And if I hear one more person tell me that the right guy won’t care, he’ll want to be with you no matter what, not all guys care about sex… I’m going to scream. First of all, please tell me where to find these guys, because they don’t exist in my world. Second of all, I don’t care how nice a guy is and how much he loves me, he’s going to want sex. Third of all, the women who tell me this are the ones who already have that rare species of man, therefore don’t know what it’s like to feel like the only thing a man sees in her is a wet and squishy vagina. And lastly, at this point in my life, in my mid-twenties, any normal guy I date isn’t going to love me right from the get-go. Chances are, he’s going to want to date a girl he can bang every now and then, before he decides he’s in love with her. Maybe there’s a slight chance that if I cook him some amazing food, he can overlook the penetration-less sex, but guess what. I can’t fucking cook!
Moving on.
My point is, by choosing not to overcome vaginismus, I feel like I would be admitting to myself that I’m not normal, and will never be normal, because I’ll never be able to have sex the way most other people do. I’ll never be able to use tampons, or have a pap smear (which, hellloooo, is a crucial part of ensuring your health). And most importantly (well, second most importantly to sex), I’ll never get pregnant or give birth. I know I tell people all the time that I don’t want kids, that I never wanna squeeze a baby out of my vagina, but, dammit, I want that option. I have spent my entire teenage/adult life feeling isolated, inadequate, and like less of a woman. And sugarcoating sex or relationships, or telling myself that penetration is overrated, isn’t going to change those feelings. I’m not going to throw in the towel now and accept my situation for what it is.
