I had my first and only pap smear last November. After years of avoiding the gyno’s office, I had finally heeded my friends’ advice and decided to go in for the routine pap smear. I believed my friends’ reassurances that all I would feel is a little pressure, and that once it was over, I would finally get over my fear of tampons and sex. Unfortunately, I felt more than a little pressure. I felt an unbelievable amount of pain. My doctor didn’t think much of it, and after handing me some samples of birth control, she ran out the door telling me that I better start using tampons if I wanted my first time to be pain-free. A year later, after many painful and tearful attempts at sex, I am still a virgin, and I’m even more scared to try tampons than I was before.
I went back to the gyno’s office yesterday, in time for my yearly visit. I told myself to be brave, and that the pain was all in my head, and that all I had to do was relax. As much as I tried to relax, I couldn’t ignore the fact that the pain was real, and it hurt like a motherfucking bitch. i burst into tears on the examining table and begged the doctor to stop. They finally realized that there was something wrong and that this pain I was feeling is not normal. The head gyno was called in, and I sobbed on the table while they discussed and tried to examine me. Finally, I was told that I have a condition called vestibulitis and I also have severe pelvic floor dysfunction. I’d never even heard of that. Finally, a physical explanation for why I’ve felt like a freak all these years, although that didn’t make me feel better at all. The doctor prescribed a drug called amitriptyline, an antidepressant that she said would help loosen the muscles around my vagina. After a month of taking that, I’m supposed to go see a physical therapist she recommended.
This whole thing feels like a nightmare. The more stuff I find about it on the internet, the more scared I feel. This is constantly on my mind and I’m having trouble focusing at work and on everyday things. I can’t even sit down to watch my favorite TV shows without my mind wandering or without me bursting into tears. I have never been more scared in my life.
