To reinforce all the crap I was feeling in my last post, here’s a nice little quote from a webpage that attempts to define vaginismus: “The treatment of vaginismus is usually a therapy program that includes vaginal dilation exercises using plastic dilators. It is important that the use of dilators proceeds in a systematic progression under the direction of a sex therapist and should actively involve the woman’s sexual partner.”
There you go. I have been told by professionals that it’s important that my road to vaginal normalcy include the active participation of my sexual partner. So, since said sexual partner is non-existent, that means I don’t even have a chance at being “fixed”? I usually turn to the internet for comfort in regards to my “disability” whenever I’m feeling this shitty about myself, but today the internet has failed me. Right now it seems that everywhere I turn, my inability to have sex and the non-existence of a sexual partner is being rubbed in my face.
This morning when I got to work, I opened my inbox only to find a forwarded email from my roommate titled, “Funny article”. The article? “The Joys (and Hilarious Fumbles) of Sex“. Well, I’m sorry, super-considerate-roomie-who-knows-about-my-vaginismus-and-should-have-known-better, but I don’t find humor in an article whose sole focus is that magnificently wonderful activity that I have never been a part of, because I am PHYSICALLY INCAPABLE of experiencing it! Thanks for rubbing it in my face on a Monday morning.
I guess I’m overreacting, but I don’t know how else to feel. Moving on…
Are there any dream interpreters reading this? Because last night I had another strange nightmare. About Godzilla. Yes, as in the big green monster that terrorizes the streets of Japan. It’s the second time this year that I’ve dreamt about it. The first time, I was in the middle of some unknown city by myself, when all of a sudden, Godzilla pops out of nowhere and starts wreaking havoc. I start screaming and running along with everyone else, but it seems that everywhere I run, the big scary thing is following me. At one point, I find myself on top of some building/parking garage looking out at the city and seeing Godzilla in the distance. At that second, he turns and sees me and starts making his way in my direction. I practically crapped in my pants and started running down the stairs so fast that I was sort of flying. Just then, I woke up (thank god!!). The funny thing is, I was vaguely aware that I was dreaming, so I forced myself to wake up.
Last night I dreamt about Godzilla again. This time, I was with my dad, my sister and my aunt, in some sort of military building. (Don’t ask me how I know this). We were all waiting to get on a plane to take us home, but at the last second I decided to run to the bathroom. On the way back, I noticed that my dad waiting for me, but my sister and my aunt had gotten on a plane and I watched them fly away. Just then there was a big explosion in the distance, and a car blowing up in the building in front of us. I grabbed my dad and started running in the opposite direction. There was a huge crowd of people running and screaming all around us, trying to find a place to hide or to get away. At one point, I ran into a building and realized that I had lost my dad. I started to panic that something had happened to him, and turned around to go back but then I noticed that the monster was getting closer and closer, so I kept running. And just like in the last dream, I ran to the top of one of the buildings, looked out a window, and saw the monster in the distance. When I saw it coming towards me, I turned to the kids that were in the room (I have no idea why there were kids there, or where they came from) and said very calmly, “Kids, we gotta go.” Then I started running, and I woke up. This time I had no idea I was dreaming, but was very relieved to find that I was safe and sound in my bed.
According to dreammoods.com, “to see Godzilla in your dream, signifies feelings of being out of control and that your situation is getting the best of you.” Hmm, interesting…
