I can’t believe I’ve neglected my blog for over a month. I’ve been feeling rather strange the past few weeks and just haven’t had the discipline to write about what’s been going on with me, or to keep up with my… journey to healing? Recovery? What exactly would you call it?
I’ve been going through a series of ups-and-downs since I last updated, but at this moment I feel like I’ve hit a new low. But let me try and backtrack to my appointment of May 19th. I don’t know if I mentioned it on the last post, but I finally made another appointment with my pelvic pain specialist, since my panic attack at the last attempt back in January.
Overall, I was feeling pretty good about the appointment. I was actually looking forward to being physically examined, which was a nice change from all the talking and analyzing I was going through with my counselor. I had a little bit of anxiety, but I was very happily surprised, and proud, to find that I was able to control it pretty well. I even got stuck in some crazy stress-inducing lunch-hour city traffic on the way over there, but I managed to keep my cool. Once again, my NP was lovely, and sympathetic, and very comforting. She tried the Q-tip test again, and this time, I didn’t panic when the Q-tip touched me. I was able to breathe through it and tell her when I felt pain and when I didn’t. Turns out I did feel pain when she touched the opening, although to this day I’m still having trouble deciphering whether the pain was 100% there, or whether my anxiety is playing a part. The whole thing took about 2 seconds, because she stopped the second I told her I felt pain. Although we didn’t get very far, she seemed really pleased that I didn’t panic and told me how well I did and how far I’ve come in such a short time. We talked about my vag a little and she reassured me that mine looked very normal, which was one of my fears. Although she did say that, at this point, she thinks I may have a mild case of vulvar vestibulitis. If we could do a full-on exam, she would know for sure, but alas my anxiety won’t let me. She put me back on the Elavil (generic name: amitriptyline) that my gyno had put me on previously and also gave me a cream (a special mixture of Estrace) to apply nightly. She also gave me a prescription for Ativan to take before my appointments and before attempts at insertion. I left the appointment feeling elated, thinking how wonderful it was to finally be doing something about this as opposed to just talking about my failed attempts at insertion and overanalyzing my fears with my counselor. I also thought that the medications were surely going to work, and that the next time I went to see my NP, a miracle would occur, and she would be able to insert the Q-tip with no pain or panic.
Well, this is why I’m so hesitant to be optimistic about anything, because when things don’t fulfill my expectations, my whole world seems to come crashing down. After my second appointment this past Tuesday, I couldn’t even remember that elated feeling from the May appointment. We didn’t really get any further than the last appointment, even though I took an Ativan beforehand, which definitely helped to slow my beating heart. She started out by putting pressure with her fingers on the inside of my thighs and around my buttocks. Then she took the Q-tip and put pressure on different parts of my labia. Although that didn’t hurt at all, I started feeling a little panicky. Then, the second she touched the Q-tip to the opening and I felt the tenderness, I started feeling all those panicky feelings of “no-oh-my-god-i-can’t-do-this-stop-it-hurts-i-wanna-jump-off-this-table-i-don’t-wanna-do-this-anymore-forget-that-i-have-a-vagina!!” I tried to keep breathing through it, but I just couldn’t get those thoughts out of my head and I wanted more than anything to curl up into a ball. As much as I want to just GET OVER THIS, I couldn’t bring myself to keep my legs open and keep going. I wanted out. She sensed this, so we stopped. She told me that it seemed like the cream mixture I was using wasn’t working as well as we hoped, since it seemed I was just as tender as I had been the month before, so she wanted to try something else. This time she gave me a mixture of estrogen and testosterone and a numbing agent that I was to apply twice daily. She also gave me some lidocaine gel, which she wants me to use the next time I try to insert my tampon applicator (my ghetto cheap version of dilator #1). I’m supposed to see her again in 6 weeks, with the hopes that there’s some improvement, and that we’ll actually get to some insertion the next time. Just the thought makes me cringe.
Needless to say, I left the building feeling extremely disappointed in myself and more hopeless than I have felt in a very long time. I’ve pretty much been crying ever since, and I just can’t bring myself to feel positive or to even try anything remotely close to insertion. I feel like I’ve backtracked a million steps and I don’t know what to do to keep going.
