It’s about time for a new post, huh? Thanks to my new online friend, who shall remain anonymous, for motivating me to post again. 
I think my lack of motivation to post is reflected in the fact that I have been severely lacking motivation to move forward in my treatment. I guess I feel this way because technically, I haven’t been moving forward at all. Through no fault of my own, I might add. The damn VVS combined with a severe penetration phobia that’s got a crazy hold on me is making it extremely difficult for me to move forward at all.
Going off on a tangent here…
If I hear one more time “my husband and I have never been able to have sex”, I think I’m going to scream. Does this… affliction, for lack of a better word… not affect anyone else but married women?! Am I the only vaginismus sufferer who’s single, and completely unattached? Can websites like vaginismus.com please acknowledge that there are sufferers who don’t have a partner? I feel like many of the things I’ve read on this issue mention how crucial partner involvement is in order to successfully cure this condition. Gee thanks, so because I don’t have a partner to help me along in this, I’ll never be cured. It seems that even in my small community of sufferers who feel so isolated from the rest of normal society, I feel even more isolated for being utterly alone in this. And yes, I know that there are single women who suffer from vaginismus too, but honestly, I feel like it’s a tiny, tiny percentage. I just find it kind of bizarre that there are so many women who aren’t able to have sex who have gotten married. I hope no one takes this the wrong way; I realize that there are people who choose to wait until marriage and all that, it’s just not very common in the society I belong to. I also realize that sex isn’t the most important, nor is it the only part of a relationship, but from my experience, sex is normally introduced very early on in the dating world. Most women my age, including all of my friends, are having sex within a couple of months, if not weeks, of dating someone new. I’ve never come across a dating situation where a guy wasn’t trying to get in my pants within the first few weeks of dating. I just can’t imagine having to tell a guy that I can’t do it just yet, and having him stick around. With all this in mind, I just find it kind of odd that it seems that so many of my fellow sufferers are in unconsummated marriages, when I don’t know of a single guy who would marry a girl he’s never had sex with.
Just today, I was having dinner with one of my close friends who’s familiar with my problem. We were talking about my dating life (or lack thereof) and she suggested that she set me up with one of her boyfriend’s friends. As I was starting to think, Yeah, why not? she said, “Ehh, he probably wouldn’t be OK with your situation though.” Right. Because he’s a normal 20-something year old guy with a healthy sex drive, so why would he want to date some girl he can’t put his penis in? She did add that “he’s kind of a jerk” but what 20-something year old isn’t? Regardless, a nice guy is still going to want to have sex.
But whatever. Enough with my negativity. I have griped on and on about this being-single-and-broken crap, and that wasn’t the point of my post. I forget what the original intent of this post was, but I’ll have to leave that for another time because right now I am tired and my sinus headache is returning.
Sorry to hear about the lack of single women who have vvs / vulvodynia that aren’t speaking out. Maybe they’re not realizing it’s a medical condition and just sort of assuming it’s the partner that’s the issue? Or maybe they’re trying to talk to a doctor about it, but their doctor is clueless? I started talking to doctors and gynecologists when I was 23 (and single). They all said everything “looked normal” and “Some women just don’t have a sex drive.” So I gave up for a while and tried lube, avoided sex, etc. I didn’t really push to find a solution until I got married and the lack of sexual intimacy started to effect the marriage. That was just about a year ago, and I was 29 before I finally found a doctor that had a clue.
Ever consider starting your own support / awareness group for single gals who are dealing with vvs?
I hope things improve soon! You’re not alone. I think maybe more women just need to speak out.
I’m sorry to hear you’re still stuggling with feeling isolated due to being single. I have a feeling a part of the reason that we maybe do not see this sort of perspective, precisely because views like yours get crowded out.
Listen, there’s this other sex blogger, Audacia Ray, she knows what she’s talking about. She wrote one of those books I reviewed a few months ago. And even right now she’s going through what she calls a “Dry Spell.”
This is a follow up to the original post & I thought of you when I read it.
She says,
I think it’s problematic to think of being unpartnered as being sexless. Part of what the past bunch of months have been about for me is finding sex, finding where that’s located inside me. Though I’m still not totally tapped into my desires, I know for certain that my sexuality exists without there being other people in the room with me. My sexuality is (finally finally) not a reflection of other’s desire. And: I don’t think of masturbation as a substitute for partnersex (though I know many people do see it as an inferior thing to making the sex with someone else).
The rest of the post might be of some benefit. I hope it does not backfire, as making you feel worse is completely not my intent at all.
It’s like…
For all the sex & all the partners she has had, she is taking this time out, deliberately, to find out what it is she wants. Whereas, ironically, we are not having very much sex at all for the most part – at least not what most people would view as “Sex.”
It just kind of stands out to me.
Aaand I don’t know how to format comments lol. I forgot a close bracket thing somewhere.
I am a single 25 year-old woman and I am suffering. We exist.
And BTW, it seems odd that you think it will be easier to get over this when under the pressure of being in a relationship, I mean if you can’t stick something in yourself when you are in the calm and quiet of your home it will be a hell of a lot harder when you feel all the pressure of some silly guy who is totally clueless trying to do it. I am so thankful that I am not married and going through this (sorry if it offends). It happened to my friend who was a virgin when she got married. What a nightmare.
I know you use this blog to vent, but you always seem so upset. I think that you should date guys, just don’t tell them about the no sex part. Ever
Show them the door before you ever tell! I have never scared a guy away by not sleeping with him . . . and for sure go out with more than one guy in a week. I am serious, it is kinda fun. Maybe if you start having fun with men the emotional part will be a little better. And when you get better physically, WHICH YOU WILL, then you can worry about the relationship part. How many times do people date just to try and sleep with the other person? I don’t think there is anything wrong with dating someone intentionally planning on NOT sleeping with them.
Remember this from a single woman (who is lonely lol) that it is so good to not be in a relationship when going through this. . . you can be miserable alone, you don’t need help from anyone else. And remember that you’re not alone alone, just single. There’s a lot of us out there, we just don’t know who they are.
Thanks for the comments, everyone.
K, that was a really interesting blog.
Pure Crazyness, yes I’m always upset because this isn’t exactly a happy thing to live with. I wish I had your attitude, but unfortunately I don’t. I don’t think it would be easier at all to have to go through this while in a relationship, but it sure would be a hell of a motivator if I actually had someone I wanted to have sex with, and someone to share other parts of life with rather than watching my friends spend time with their significant others on a friday night while I sit home alone watching movies where everyone’s always have sex. I’ve dated plenty, plenty of guys without ever mentioning sex, but unfortunately I can’t get through more than a few dates before they try to get in my pants. The one time I met someone who liked me enough to not care when I pushed his hands away eventually got frustrated after a while and lost interest. I don’t really understand what you mean about dating guys but not ever telling them about the no sex part. And “show them the door before you ever tell”?
Count me in; I’m 23, just diagnosed several months ago, and single. I’ve been lurking on the yahoo vag group for a couple months now and just like you, I feel like I don’t really identify with a lot of those women — but there are reasons for that other than the married/LTR issue.
Also, I agree with Pure Crazyness about treating vag while in a relationship. Long story short, when I was diagnosed, my guilt over being the girlfriend who couldn’t have intercourse and the resulting depression/turning into an angry person ended my relationship with a guy who was supportive and optimistic about treating my problem. I’m not happy that the relationship ended, but I am happy that I’m in a place now where I’m less likely to place a damaging amount of pressure on myself.
I hope I’m not misinterpreting this, but are you saying that you won’t/don’t want to be sexual with someone unless you can have intercourse? Just want to clarify…
No, it’s not that I don’t want to be sexual with someone without intercourse. I love doing all kinds of other things. My ex and I had a pretty great sex life without the actual intercourse, but I always felt like there was something missing, and he definitely felt that way too. Of course, this was before I found out what vaginismus was, so I don’t know if I would feel differently if I were in a relationship again, knowing what the problem was. I just feel that, based on a lot of the guys I’ve encountered in life, most of them aren’t going to be OK with sex, but no sex, you know? Anyway, thanks for sharing your story.
Here’s some more about me to help clear things up a bit:
I used to be able to have sex, from when I was 22 until I turned 23, and then it started hurting a LOT and then I just kind of fell apart. 18 months went by, and in those months I saw 11 doctors a total of 23 times and no one could do anything for me. I moved to Europe and met a guy there, on our first date I told him because I wanted to be upfront and everything, and he said he understood and it was okay, but he happens to be Eastern European trash and was seeing other people the whole time. I was so depressed that I just looked the other way! Finally 6 months ago in February I stumbled across the word vulvodynia and then vaginismus and vestibulodynia. What I have has a name! I dumped my boyfriend and started dating with my ‘don’t tell’ policy. And sometimes I do go out on 3-4 dates and then they don’t call again, but I don’t think it is so much because I didn’t sleep with them, I think it is because we didn’t have a lot in common. Now, if I was able to have sex I probably would have slept with them and maybe we could have dated for a couple more months and we would have had sex in common. But really, what’s the point? So I don’t feel so lonely? So I feel wanted? So I can try to have an orgasm? (which btw I can’t do unless I am by myself which gives me all these other issues!)
I feel just like you. I am not always positive. I am depressed sometimes, I hate myself and my body for doing this to me. I feel like I will never get married, no one will ever love me, and why the hell do I have to be the one missing out on all this hot sex!?!? But I try to remind myself that maybe if this hadn’t happened I would have gotten pregnant, or even married to someone thinking that we were in love only to find out later we weren’t right for each other. I do truly believe that if I had met the right person during this time then I would be married even though we hadn’t slept together. That is why these people get married when they haven’t had sex. They really were perfect for each other. It is just hard for us to understand because we haven’t met the right one.
Actually, a few months ago I did tell one other guy. We were both really drunk and in my bed, and he doesn’t speak a lot of English which makes this way funnier. I was crying and apologizing, and then he started to tell me HIS issues! Apparantly, he has a very small dick and has a very hard time keeping an erection. Then he was crying and feeling sorry for himself and mumbling in some other language. I mean, how pathetic must we have looked? I don’t ever want to be that pathetic ever again, drunk or not.
Besides, we aren’t the only people who can’t get a date. Lots of people are very sexually functional but they just can’t find anyone who likes them! I feel much better having an excuse :X . . . But that only makes me feel better for about five minutes before I start to feel sorry for myself again. *sigh* I deal with my issue by keeping it my dirty little secret, I would much rather people wonder why such a great girl is still single! LOL
Anyway I wrote much more than I planned, but it was actually very therapeutic, maybe I should start one of these I hate my vagina blog things
Pure crazyness, you have a great way of looking at it
I do feel that way too sometimes, when I’m feeling optimistic, I just wish it was more often. And I totally hear you on the orgasm issue! Same here! Ugh! You should totally start a vagina blog!
Pure Crazyness – I´ve read all the comments but one thing you wrote hit me like a brick in the face – you describing a guy like an “Eastern European trash” .
I don´t exactly know what you meant by that, whether you think that all the guys from Eastern Europe are a trash or that all the Eastern Europeans are in general – but I happen to be from a country that is considered to be a part of Eastern Europe, and I´m smart, I´m working on myself, I can speak two foreign languages and so do most of my friends and I definitely don´t consider us to be a “trash”. And I don´t think it´s fair to say something so insulting only because one guy betrayed you.
Plus the “dating guys but not ever telling them about the no sex” thing and “show them the door before you ever tell” – it seems to me like you´re trying to escape from your own problems more than just trying to have fun.
Kami woah I am so sorry! I absolutely do NOT think that about all people from Eastern Europe. I just think this about his family because his dad cheats on his mom and his brother-in-law cheats on his sister and it doesn’t bother him a bit. There are people like this all over the world, not just from Eastern Europe. And it is trashy. Thus, I call him and only him specifically “eastern european trash” And if it makes you feel better I had a boyfriend in the US who cheated on me and I called him “white trash,” because I believe people who do that are trashy
And yes, I am totally trying to escape from my problems, and I am doing a great job at it. Because there are times when I actually feel happy with myself. I couldn’t say that a year ago. So I don’t know anything about you or if you know what it is like to be sick, but I tend to go with what works, and this is working for me for now. I am just trying to be happy again, and if running away from my problems for awhile, keeping my personal information secret, and calling my exboyfriend names helps me, I am going to do that. I just wanted to share what I was doing to cope with this horrible illness because I thought it might help others. No cat fights necessary.
Pure Crazyness – your apology is accepted. I´m definitely NOT one of those people who come to boards or online groups to provoke conflicts, I´m actually a very peaceful person , but I felt very offended. Anyways, since you explained yourself I´m ok with what you said.
Trust me, I know what it feels like to be sick – apart from vag I´ve got other health problems, too, so I can totally empathize with you. And yeah, I do that very often, too – trying to escape from my own problems or pretend like they don´t exist. The truth is, I know in my heart that this is not right, that´s what I was trying to say. If you feel like it´s a solution for you for now – ok then, I accept it.